The most important thing a foster parent can do is listen. Hear what your children are saying and also see what they are trying to communicate through their behaviors. Encourage them and give them hope. Don’t be afraid to talk about what happened and try not to react to their stories. Help them to process their past and integrate it into the present.

Be consistent and do not take their behavior personally. It isn’t about you. Stability is mandatory and they need to feel the safety of structure. Give choices to create some sense of control. Learn to respond to a behavior instead of reacting, remain calm and interpret through a lens of understanding. Have them perform a “re-do” instead of yelling. Recognize some behaviors, like lying, are born from fear; their brain is telling them this is a life-threatening situation. Instead of scolding a fearful child, soothe them until they have calmed and can process what has transpired. “When a child is in a state of stress or fear, that child cannot develop attachment.”

Bonding and attachment are critical, even if the child is only in the home for a short time. A chemical in the brain called oxytocin, the love hormone, must be stimulated. Create oxytocin by making eye contact, hugging/touching on the shoulder, eating meals together, quality time one-on-one, reading together, playing games, etc. Watch for triggers of their trauma, usually caused by some reminder of an event. Triggers can be as minute such as sounds, smells, feelings, places, postures, tone of voice, or even emotions. They will cause the child to lose regulation, which often presents as avoidance or hyper-reactivity. Help them learn to recognize when they are triggered so they can actively work on self-soothing or ask for assistance or sustenance such as food, a hug, or a ball to kick.

Chill out corners are a place the child can go when they’re feeling dysregulated. They are invaluable. Have fabric with different textures, kinetic sand, puzzles, books about emotions, squeeze balls, pillows to punch or scream into, whatever works best. This is their safe place until they are under control.

Finally, look at yourself. Everyone has had some form of trauma in their life and adults have triggers too. Actively work on processing your own history so you can help them with theirs. Self-understanding is critical; dealing with your own experiences will increase sensitivity and awareness when the reactions are coming from a place other than the relationship with the child.

Be patient, be firm, and have clear boundaries and structure. Give the child as much oxytocin as possible, showing them love and kindness. Help them grieve and hear their story. Teach them how to control their emotions and their bodies and watch for triggers. Don’t forget to process the trauma of your own life so you can help them through theirs. Keep planting seeds in these children’s lives, the fruit will grow and they will be better for it.

The post Ways to Help Your Foster Child Through Trauma appeared first on Foster Care Adoption | Foster to Adopt & Child Photolisting.

1. Abstract Love vs. True Love

Understand the abstract love you feel for the child before he or she moves in is not true love. The ideas and dreams in your mind are not reality. This child has already developed a personality, a belief system, and a sense of self. Love at first sight is a beautiful ideology, but you will have to fall in love with who that child actually is, which takes time. This does not make you unfit or a bad parent; this makes you human. The love will come, and when it does, it is worth the wait.

2. Regression

Prepare for a regression. While adoption may be fulfilling your hopes and dreams, for them this is traumatic. Even if they have been waiting to be adopted, it is a huge adjustment. There is often a “honeymoon” phase where children will be as perfect as possible to make you happy because they are terrified of rejection. As they begin to care about you and tentatively start to trust, the behaviors will escalate, and they will test your boundaries and limits. The 12-year-old will act 6 and your 7-year-old may well wet the bed and refuse to go to sleep. The “parentified” child will challenge you for control, questioning every single thing. Love is scary for them; what if you don’t love them back? Kids tend to blame themselves and deep down fear they are unlovable. Then, they will set out to verify it. It’s your job to prove them wrong, and it won’t be an easy task.

3. Their Past

Accept their past. These kiddos didn’t come out of nowhere and need to know you love them for who they are. This means you accept the onslaught of stories about their “real” mom and dad, their grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. They had a life before you that should not be diminished or buried. Creating a family with older children means embracing all of them, not just the parts that fit into your present picture. Every time I open a soda, I am regaled with the tale of how their “real mom” opened a soda once, and it sprayed everywhere. Don’t personalize this. They love and miss their biological family which is normal; it does not mean they don’t love you. Have faith there is enough love for everyone. Consider including some of their traditions into your family. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your soda every day, but a little macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving won’t kill you. 

4. PTSD

Most children have some form of PTSD, or at least triggers, which will bring up memories. I call these landmines because one has no idea it’s going to happen until they step right in it. Some children shut down, some break down, and some completely dysregulate and rage. They can’t think or process, so just hold them, help them breathe, and get through the event. This can take a while. Once they are calm, try and talk to them, but don’t be surprised if they have no idea what set them off. Avoiding landmines is impossible, but with time, consistency, and love they can learn to control their reactions and work through their emotions.

5. Security and Stability

It’s important to create a sense of security and stability for older children, which unfortunately means schedules and rules. They will of course hate this, but it is essential, especially in the beginning. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear and don’t assume they know the basics. They may need to learn how to bathe correctly, hang up clothes, clear the table, or even make a bed. Manners are a subjective thing and will need to be made clear; mine didn’t know you couldn’t spit in the house. Don’t hesitate to have lots of boundaries. It may seem overwhelming at first, but they will adapt and appreciate the safety they feel, even if they don’t verbalize it.

The benefits of adopting an older child are vast. The gratification and pride felt as they acclimate to their new world and begin to see life’s possibilities, overshadows any doubts once fostered. The bond with your child is made stronger from the tribulations, the love fiercer because of the battle that was waged. I know there is fear, but the rewards are so great. Fight for that child, believe in that child, and ultimately you will both win.

The post 5 Things You Should Know about Older Child Adoption appeared first on Foster Care Adoption | Foster to Adopt & Child Photolisting.