Foster care adoption is not for the faint of heart, I would soon learn. Our license was for foster care but we were also licensed to adopt should the children in our care become available to be adopted. That was in no way a promise that we would be able to ever adopt the kids that came into our home. We entered in fully expecting to, at some point, need to say goodbye to the kids we were meeting. That was the deal, we would care for them as if they were ours until either they went back to their families or became a part of ours.

The children were emaciated. Every rib prominent, faces gaunt and haunted. The first few months were a blur of doctors appointments, counselor appointments, court dates, and visitation for the kids with their parents. I sincerely cannot imagine how we would have survived without the help we received from our friends. A newborn and two children who had barely been outside their own house, never mind in a school setting, were a startling and sudden induction into parenting.  Our oldest son would, on occasion, scream for hours at a time because of the fear, rage, frustration, and pain he was feeling. Every time I called my caseworker to ask what to do she would ask, “Do we need to come get them? Is it too much?” “No,” I’d reply, “I just need to know what to do.” It was usually “write down the incident and stay nearby” just in case he wanted to talk to me. I spent more time crying the first year than I had in the past 10 years, and I am a crier, so that tells you a lot.

School was becoming more and more of a struggle. The boys had been illiterate when they came to us, even the alphabet was a bit confusing to them at the start. At 8 and 9 they couldn’t be placed in Pre-K where they needed to be, so the school accommodated them as best they could. Every night after school, the drama of getting homework done escalated into someone (often me) leaving the room in tears.

Things would continue with weekly bio parent visits at McDonald’s where the kids would return with bags of candy and dollar store toys and tales of returning to bio parents “any day now.”  The court would continue to give the parents time to “work their plan” as I grew to love these children as my own and realize the depths of the abuse and neglect they had suffered at the hands of people who were supposed to love them. 

At the one-year mark of the case where things were supposed to wrap up, the case was extended six months. We were, however, asked if we would be willing to adopt the kids should they become available. For the first time, I felt real hope that these little loves would become ours. The teeny baby that had been dropped off was now a chubby, lovable toddler, and the boys were growing by leaps and bounds, every few weeks needing bigger clothes as their bodies adjusted to being in a safe place with enough food. Our boys started being more honest about what their previous living situation had been and admitted to not wanting to eat so much food so their stomachs wouldn’t hurt later when they went back home and wouldn’t have enough.

Finally, the court was held to determine if parental rights would be terminated on the biological parents. The caseworker had brought several witnesses and multiple written testimonies, but they ended up not needing them. The parents ended up relinquishing their rights that day. The judge still took testimonies for the court record and the elation I had felt at being able to eventually adopt those kids turned to horror when I bore witness to exactly what my children were subjected to for the first eight years of their lives.

We told the boys we had a special counseling session so the bio parents could say goodbye. Afterward, we asked them if they understood what was going to happen. When we clarified, they were angry. “I just learned how to spell my last name! How am I going to learn ya’ll’s last name now?!” was my oldest son’s first concern. We bought ice cream to soothe the pain of an ending and celebrate a new beginning.

After a few months of some paperwork and nail-biting anxiety that something would go wrong, we eventually got to formally adopt our kids in front of the judge that had walked us through from beginning to end of this case. She came off her bench and held hands with us as we prayed about our future, and gave each of the kids a hug and told them how lucky they were. She was wrong about that last point. They weren’t the lucky ones. It was us. I finally had my children that I had loved for two years with the knowledge they could be taken away at any moment. Adoption day was one of the happiest days of my life.

The post Our Foster to Adoption Story appeared first on Foster Care Adoption | Foster to Adopt & Child Photolisting.

1.     In most states, adopting from foster care is completely free!

In the state of Texas if a child is adopted from the foster care system the state will pay the lawyer fees to adopt. In other states you may be required to pay a fee upfront which the state will then reimburse. The concern about it being “too expensive” can be put to rest with adoption from foster care.

2.     The state may pay for your child’s health insurance and college tuition from a state school.

See your own state’s guidelines for who may or may not qualify for post adoption benefits. My kids, since they were adopted as a sibling group, were considered a special needs adoption and that qualified them for tuition and health insurance. Their tuition benefit is good for any state school and can be used for up to a Doctoral level degree.

3.     The kids are not “damaged goods.”

Speaking from personal experience here, my kids are all a little strange from time to time, but it has more to do with them being kids than it has to do with them having been in foster care. They are normal kids who, given the correct conditions, are thriving. Yes, children adopted from foster care may have special needs because of the trauma they have been through. That doesn’t mean it is a given that they cannot grow up to be happy, healthy, successful people who love their families and contributing members of society.

4.     You don’t have to own your own home to adopt from foster care.

It is a common but incorrect belief that you must own your own home or be wealthy to foster or adopt. It is just not true. If you have a stable income, can keep your home or apartment clean and livable, and have the adequate square footage, you can foster and adopt.

5.     Not every kid wants to be adopted, but all of them need a family regardless.

Some kids who are being adopted from foster care may not have realized what they were coming out of was as terrible as it was. That doesn’t mean they don’t need a loving, safe home to heal and grow in. It simply means it may take more time for them to feel at home. They may not feel grateful, but it isn’t about that.

6.     You don’t have to be married to adopt from foster care (or foster parent).

There is a pervasive myth in the adoption world that you can’t adopt if you are single. On the contrary, there are some children that would thrive in a single-parent home because they have attachment disorders that make it hard to bond evenly to more than one caregiver. While it can be difficult to go it alone, the key either in single- or two-parent adoptive homes is to build a community and support network for when things get hard.

7.     There are over 3000 waiting children who need a family, right now, in the United States alone.

Some children may be part of harder to place, like sibling groups, or some may have special needs that make it harder to find a caregiver. All of them need and deserve a family that will love them forever. 

8.     Teenagers often both want and need a family to call their own, even if they are about to “age out” of the system.

Plenty of teenagers are waiting to find a family to teach them to drive a car, make a budget, learn how to grocery shop, apply for college, and do their taxes. You can learn more about adopting an older child here.

9.     It isn’t as complicated as you think.

Yes, there is an exorbitant amount of paperwork. There is a background check, fingerprinting, interviews, classes, and a home safety check. However there are people available to step you through each part of the process. By the time you are ready for the “overwhelming” home study process you’ve been dreading for months, you will be friends with the caseworker who is coming to chat with you and look over your house. There are checklists and explanations. The caseworker’s job is to get the children a good home, not to make you feel bad. They want you to succeed.

10.  It is worth any of the difficulties you might face.

Adopting from foster care has been one of the most heartbreaking, yet worthwhile, things I could have done with my life. My kids are, with no input or help from me, some of the best humans I know. There are funny, adjusted, intelligent, insightful people, and I cannot wait to see who they grow up to be.

Let us know in the comments what questions you have about adopting from foster care!

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