1) Families who are interested in adoption through the foster care system are required to take training per their home state’s expectations and requirements. For example, in the State of Missouri, a prospective foster/adoptive family must take the state STARS training. This class is typically a 9-week course. Although this can be burdensome in terms of the time spent in training, it is a benefit to families as they learn about abuse, neglect, working as a member of a professional team, attachment issues, and the expectations of foster families.

2) Since the number one goal per foster care is reunification of children with their parents, foster families who are interested in adoption must understand that there can never be a guarantee that any child they bring into their home will be legally theirs through adoption. If the goal changes to adoption, the foster parent can be formally selected as the adoptive family and proceed with adoption of the child.

3) In many instances, domestic adoption is more common for newborns and infants whose biological parents have planned for placing their child for adoption. With foster care, children are taken into protective custody due to abuse, neglect or a high risk of either one. Their biological parents are offered treatment services to rectify the situation that brought their child into care. Someone who desires to adopt a child from the foster care system needs to understand that getting a newborn who is already legally available for adoption is extremely rare.

4) Children and youth who are available for adoption in the foster care system have been abused or neglected- often both. Families hoping to adopt out of the system need to be aware and understanding of this. These children and youth will have connections to their biological family members and former foster parents. It will take time for a child to attach to a prospective foster family. It is vital that interested families attend ongoing and specific training to best meet the needs of the child they are interested in adopting.

5) Most children adopted out of foster care are eligible for a federal program (in the US) called adoption subsidy. If deemed to have a special need, the adoptive parents can get a monthly payment until the child is eighteen. Some other services provided through adoption subsidy are health care insurance and child care payment. This may vary from state-to-state. Foster care adoptions may also be eligible for the adoption tax refund based on the special needs of a child.

Adopting from foster care can be a challenging experience but it is so very rewarding. In the United States there are approximately 107,000 children and youth available for adoption. These kids need the permanency that an adoptive family can bring. If you are interested in learning more about foster care adoption, contact your local child welfare agency.

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1. Abstract Love vs. True Love

Understand the abstract love you feel for the child before he or she moves in is not true love. The ideas and dreams in your mind are not reality. This child has already developed a personality, a belief system, and a sense of self. Love at first sight is a beautiful ideology, but you will have to fall in love with who that child actually is, which takes time. This does not make you unfit or a bad parent; this makes you human. The love will come, and when it does, it is worth the wait.

2. Regression

Prepare for a regression. While adoption may be fulfilling your hopes and dreams, for them this is traumatic. Even if they have been waiting to be adopted, it is a huge adjustment. There is often a “honeymoon” phase where children will be as perfect as possible to make you happy because they are terrified of rejection. As they begin to care about you and tentatively start to trust, the behaviors will escalate, and they will test your boundaries and limits. The 12-year-old will act 6 and your 7-year-old may well wet the bed and refuse to go to sleep. The “parentified” child will challenge you for control, questioning every single thing. Love is scary for them; what if you don’t love them back? Kids tend to blame themselves and deep down fear they are unlovable. Then, they will set out to verify it. It’s your job to prove them wrong, and it won’t be an easy task.

3. Their Past

Accept their past. These kiddos didn’t come out of nowhere and need to know you love them for who they are. This means you accept the onslaught of stories about their “real” mom and dad, their grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. They had a life before you that should not be diminished or buried. Creating a family with older children means embracing all of them, not just the parts that fit into your present picture. Every time I open a soda, I am regaled with the tale of how their “real mom” opened a soda once, and it sprayed everywhere. Don’t personalize this. They love and miss their biological family which is normal; it does not mean they don’t love you. Have faith there is enough love for everyone. Consider including some of their traditions into your family. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your soda every day, but a little macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving won’t kill you. 

4. PTSD

Most children have some form of PTSD, or at least triggers, which will bring up memories. I call these landmines because one has no idea it’s going to happen until they step right in it. Some children shut down, some break down, and some completely dysregulate and rage. They can’t think or process, so just hold them, help them breathe, and get through the event. This can take a while. Once they are calm, try and talk to them, but don’t be surprised if they have no idea what set them off. Avoiding landmines is impossible, but with time, consistency, and love they can learn to control their reactions and work through their emotions.

5. Security and Stability

It’s important to create a sense of security and stability for older children, which unfortunately means schedules and rules. They will of course hate this, but it is essential, especially in the beginning. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear and don’t assume they know the basics. They may need to learn how to bathe correctly, hang up clothes, clear the table, or even make a bed. Manners are a subjective thing and will need to be made clear; mine didn’t know you couldn’t spit in the house. Don’t hesitate to have lots of boundaries. It may seem overwhelming at first, but they will adapt and appreciate the safety they feel, even if they don’t verbalize it.

The benefits of adopting an older child are vast. The gratification and pride felt as they acclimate to their new world and begin to see life’s possibilities, overshadows any doubts once fostered. The bond with your child is made stronger from the tribulations, the love fiercer because of the battle that was waged. I know there is fear, but the rewards are so great. Fight for that child, believe in that child, and ultimately you will both win.

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